im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
