Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
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