Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
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