Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
