I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
