mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
