it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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