my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
