Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
