Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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