I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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