They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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