airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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