Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
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