As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
