so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
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