life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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