Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
