I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
