My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
They should really pass out barf bags in church
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
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