marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Randomize
