so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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