yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
