It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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