I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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