My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
