As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Randomize
