Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
