I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
