Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Randomize
