final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
