Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Randomize
