Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Randomize
