He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Randomize
