singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Randomize
