whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
he wants to bone in the snuggie
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
