and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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