You work out of a Hotel?
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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