Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
