apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize
