Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Randomize
