I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize