she woke up with a sticky ear
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
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