We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
