i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize
