Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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