i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
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