Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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