she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
