I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize