every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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