sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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