Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
he puts the penis in happiness.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
