i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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