Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
