so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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