just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
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