Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
