There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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