How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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