6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Randomize