i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
