My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
it glows. i had to have it.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Randomize
